Monday, March 17, 2008

Why Everyone Thinks Metal Guys Are Dorks

It's so simple. It's because of the two douche bags that host Talking Metal, the #1 podcast and show on Fuse. I swear to God, these guys give everything I hold dear and love a bad name and suck the very life out of loving metal. Now let me start off by saying that I commend Fuse for airing this show and supporting metal music. I also commend Douche Bag #1 and Douche Bag #2 for spreading metal to the online community and giving airtime to bands and artists that would normally never get a second of TV time or internet love. However, that's where my ass-kissing comes to a grinding stop.

I watched last weeks' show with my wife, who painfully sits through this shit with me. She must love me. A lot. A lot a lot. These "guys", with help from three rotating losers on a dirty couch (including the near-retarded CC Banana), Bud Friendly (a guy who has a great radio voice) and Metal Mike (Painmuseum, Halford) show us what metal is. Last week, they featured Mike Patton, but couldn't help themselves and asked abut a Faith No More reunion. If it was 5 years ago, Patton would've killed these goofballs. I don't know why he even agreed to speak with them, let alone go toy shopping. So I commend them for having Mike on. I'm a diehard fan and the interview was bad, but for them not all that horrible.

Then we come back from a commercial break to have them with their second guest, Don Fucking Dokken. I'm serious. They spent twice as long sucking his balls as they did hanging with Patton. They even listened to snippets of the new Dokken CD with Don, while he sang along, saying how much it sounded like old Dokken. I couldn't make this up if I wanted to.

The show ends with what I think is a great idea: The guys jam on a classic metal tune with various members of the metal community. This past week it was Mike Portnoy, Frank Bello and the guy that "sings" for Overkill. It wouldn't be so bad if the guys that host the show would sit one out once in a while. They can play but have no idea how to rock a song. It's like watching the a/v club tackle an Aerosmith classic back in the 70's. Yeah, awkward.

So look, I love that metal is all over the TV and that they're exposing developing bands, but it's really like watching an un-funny REAL version of Wayne's World and the guys are the biggest losers you could ever imagine. I mean, one of the guests last week was Douch Bag #2's girlfriend. She was wearing his Dio shirt. I also don't get why everyone loves these guys, but I suppose I could just change the channel...I suppose. I'll probably just keep watching. I mean, I love metal.

Enough. Here's a band they should talk about: 3.

"All That Remains"

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