Why Everyone Thinks Metal Guys Are Dorks

It's so simple. It's because of the two douche bags that host Talking Metal, the #1 podcast and show on Fuse. I swear to God, these guys give everything I hold dear and love a bad name and suck the very life out of loving metal. Now let me start off by saying that I commend Fuse for airing this show and supporting metal music. I also commend Douche Bag #1 and Douche Bag #2 for spreading metal to the online community and giving airtime to bands and artists that would normally never get a second of TV time or internet love. However, that's where my ass-kissing comes to a grinding stop.

I watched last weeks' show with my wife, who painfully sits through this shit with me. She must love me. A lot. A lot a lot. These "guys", with help from three rotating losers on a dirty couch (including the near-retarded CC Banana), Bud Friendly (a guy who has a great radio voice) and Metal Mike (Painmuseum, Halford) show us what metal is. Last week, they featured Mike Patton, but couldn't help themselves and asked abut a Faith No More reunion. If it was 5 years ago, Patton would've killed these goofballs. I don't know why he even agreed to speak with them, let alone go toy shopping. So I commend them for having Mike on. I'm a diehard fan and the interview was bad, but for them not all that horrible.

Then we come back from a commercial break to have them with their second guest, Don Fucking Dokken. I'm serious. They spent twice as long sucking his balls as they did hanging with Patton. They even listened to snippets of the new Dokken CD with Don, while he sang along, saying how much it sounded like old Dokken. I couldn't make this up if I wanted to.

The show ends with what I think is a great idea: The guys jam on a classic metal tune with various members of the metal community. This past week it was Mike Portnoy, Frank Bello and the guy that "sings" for Overkill. It wouldn't be so bad if the guys that host the show would sit one out once in a while. They can play but have no idea how to rock a song. It's like watching the a/v club tackle an Aerosmith classic back in the 70's. Yeah, awkward.

So look, I love that metal is all over the TV and that they're exposing developing bands, but it's really like watching an un-funny REAL version of Wayne's World and the guys are the biggest losers you could ever imagine. I mean, one of the guests last week was Douch Bag #2's girlfriend. She was wearing his Dio shirt. I also don't get why everyone loves these guys, but I suppose I could just change the channel...I suppose. I'll probably just keep watching. I mean, I love metal.

Enough. Here's a band they should talk about: 3.

"All That Remains"

Fuck What You Heard

What is it about power trios that just fuck shit up. The list is endless: Rush, Primus, The Melvins, Pet Genius, ZZ Top...Regardless of genre, longevity of the group or how polished, the power trio is awesomeness at a level that few can really comprehend. It's reasons like this that make me as stoked as possible to be working with Dub Trio, one of the latest signings to the ever-growing and ever-evolving roster at Ipecac.

I'd been a casual Dub Trio fan for a few years, checking them out on tour with Peeping Tom and trying to grasp the uniqueness of their two prior releases (plus a killer live record that I just discovered). I liked what I heard but felt that they had much more potential. So 2008 rolls in and a new record from DT does as well. Another Sound Is Dying is Dub Trio at their strongest musically, structurally, and even politically. Yes they're an instrumental band, sans the Mike Patton appearance here and there (one on each of their last two LP's), but they seem to convey a strong viewpoint through the music and song titles.

I had the luck to hang out with DT this past Friday at Amoeba in SF, where we set up a DJ session and interview. Great guys and great fans of varied genres of music, something that slips in and out of their genre-bending music. Dub, metal, reggae, punk, hardcore, rock, jazz...You name it, it's in there. Forget that they're the band that makes up the awesome Peeping Tom or the impressive mainstream list of session work they've done (50 Cent, Common, G-Unit, etc)...This band is truly unique and have simply made one of the best records I've heard in years. For those of you that doubt vocal-less music: First, fuck you. Secondly, this shit is so good and complete, it's not even needed. Just ask Pelican, Explosions In The Sky or God Is An Astronaut if they need a singer. Unfortunately for them, Dub Trio is way better.

"Illegal Dub"

"We're Not Alone w/Peeping Tom @ Warsaw in Brooklyn, 2006 (I was there, bitches)

Patton Escape Plan

I know the Dillinger Escape Plan has nothing but love for Mike Patton. Hell, their collaborative EP from a few years back is a hard kick in the man-sack and proved that they knew more about music then just mindless wanking and dead-cat-sounding screaming. Dmitri, their first "singer" all but ruined their otherwise ferocious debut EP and 1999's Calculating Infinity, an album emulated by thousands of wanna-be Math-Core fuckwads (All Else Failed, I'm looking in your direction). It wasn't until they shed themselves of him that they could mix the chops with actual song parts. 

Miss Machine was an odd one. It was the recording debut of their new singer Greg, a muscle-bound short dude who was more GG Allin on stage than singer. However, this guy can fucking sing. Does he worship at the Patton Throne and pull off a bit of Trent Reznor? Um, yeah. But that's cool...There's plenty worse he could steal from. So Miss Machine was a collection of good pieces (especially "Unretrofied", an actual song), but just lacked the fury of the EP and the song thatt broke them in the underground years before, "43% Burnt". 

An iTunes covers EP followed. Love the Timberlake cover, hate the Soundgarden attempt. And then their founding drummer left...for Coheed & Fucking Cambria. I couldn't make this shit up. So they find a replacement more technically proficient in this dude Gil from Stolen Babies. Some hand injuries for their guitarist which only allows him to write and record for DEP is also thrown in the mix. Good times.

Ire Works is their first masterpiece. "Fix Your Face" will please old fans and win new ones, while "Black Bubblegum" reinvents the band by the time the track hits the one-minute mark. No longer a Patton clone (but still a bright pupil), Greg uses his very versatile range to go from falsetto croons right into razor-blade screams. The musicianship is simply top-notch. The math-core spazz tracks are perfectly dusted throughout the album, while their hundred new directions pack the real punch. Lots of electronics, actual singing and damn good songs. Songs.

Record of the year? Too early to tell. All I know is that every band that ever ripped one note from DEP better understand that their services are no longer needed.

Tomahawk Is Losing It

When Faith No More called it quits and blamed it on Puffy back in 1998, I wept like a little girl. When Patton started Fantomas in 1999, I didn't enjoy it. Then Tomahawk arose, featuring John from Helmet (one of my favorite drummers. Still a toss up who's actualy the better Bonham impersonator...him or JP from Clutch), Duane from the Jesus Lizard and Kevin from The Melvins. Their self-titled debut is still in my top 25 favorite records ever. Just a sick record. Later came their follow-up, the superb Mit Gas. Both were strong from start to finish. All good rock, no weirdo crap like Patton playng his own ribs through a wastepaper basket attached to a keytar here.

So last week, a friend of mine got me an advance of their upcoming thrid LP, Anonymous...Music taken from the 19th Century Native Americans. It's called Anonymous because most of the music these people wrote was never credited to them. So Duane Denison takes a year studying the people, culture, music. He calls John Stanier and they record their parts. For some reason, Kevin Rutmanis left both The Melvins and Tomahawk. So now as a three piece and with Patton's vocals recorded in Frisco, they finish their third LP.

I listened to it from start to finish twice, no interruptions. It gives what it promises: All tribal music, full with chanting, Native percussion and other knick knacks. The bottom line is that it's not that good. I hate when people say "You need to listen to it multiple times to soak it in"...BlahBlahBlah. That's what a reviewer told me about Van Halen 3. Sorry Gary Cherone. I see what Tomahawk is trying to do and they pull it off, but this was the one Patton-fronted band that didn't reqiure honking or playing a sax without a mouthpiece (As of right now, Peeping Tom and Lovage don't count since they only have one record each).

Maybe my opinion will change. Maybe it wont. Once street date hits, I'll post clips for you to check out. Whatever. Waiting for Lovage 2...