Saturday, May 10, 2008

Chris Bore-nell

Dear Chris Cornell,

You bore me. You used to rock. Hell, you rock harder live now than ever before. However, your last record was novice bullshit at best and from the looks of what's to come in the future (I'm looking at you, post-fat current buffed on roids Timbaland), the forcast calls for a shitstorm of epic proportions.

Do you even remember how good you used to be? Matt Cameron seemed to noitce it and joined FUCKING PEARL JAM...And only a mere four months after the demise of Soundgarden. Now it took you two years, but you put out Euphoria Morning in 1999 and it is a gem, a brilliant downtrodden, Jack Daniels-soaked album. Seriously, a masterpiece. Then you formed Audioslave and put out three amazing LP's, each one standing alone from the other two. Then you threw us for a loop and quit while promoting Revelations somewhere in Sweden, where you performed songs from your entire history acoustically and got me so pumped for your second solo disc. Why did you do this to me? Do you not like me? You must not.

Carry On is horrible, Chris. I don't know what you decided not to drink/smoke/inhale/shoot up this time around, but you need that shit...and badly. How badly? Just listen to 10 seconds of "Poison Eye" or "You Know My Name" or view a clip of the ridiculous video for "No Such Thing" and you'll know the answer for yourself. In fact, I think you already know, as you played nearly no songs off Carry On on the debut tour for the album itself!

Listen, this third album collabo with Timbaland is quite possibly the worst idea in the history of the music industry, including such groundbreaking acts like Milli Vanilli, Right Said Fred and Limp Bizkit...Even worse than a possible Yanni/Cannibal Corpse Dance Remix EP. Consider what you did in Soundgarden and cut off the head before it's too late.

To get you motivated to do so, please view the clip below from your past and notice how good it is. Seriously, take notice. Ever wonder why Ben, Kim, Hiro and Matt don't call anymore? They are ashamed to know you.

Thanks Chris. Don't take this too hard. Just warm up to a bottle of Jack, a pack of Reds and write some good songs. I know you have it in you somewhere.

Never bother me again-

No comments: